Reflection
by kanani81
Summary: Han and Leia post-ROTJ.


I watch him from across the room and I wonder how many times I have caught myself doing this exact same thing only to admonish myself. Well, I don't have to worry about that any more. Hey, he even gave me permission to 'look my fill' - crazy nerfherder.

I watch him as he laughs with the other pilots, his head tipped back, his mouth slanted in that familiar sardonic half grin. Does he realise how much attention he is attracting just by standing there? Ok, stupid question, of course he does. Does he realise how much attention I am paying to him just standing there?

He seems completely at ease. He always seems to be completely at ease. How is it that wherever he goes, he can just project that calm, cool 'Han Solo' exterior? 'Hey, look at me. I'm Han Solo. I am what you see and you don't ruffle me.' It reminds me of when we first met. Despite the fact that we were under fire, and facing potential death - we were on the damn Death Star for Sith's sake - he still looked as if we were just on a Sunday picnic stroll. That really annoyed me. How dare he be acting in that way while our lives were in peril?

It probably didn't help that I felt attracted to him. I denied it for years, but yes, now I can admit it. I, Leia Organa, have been attracted to Han Solo right from the minute I met him. It is really obvious when you think about it. In all those romantic holo-novels that I used to read in secret, wasn't it always true that the two characters that couldn't stand each other in the beginning always ended up together. I guess you can chalk us up to just another case of opposites attract.

Actually, I disagree with that. We aren't really that opposite in nature. Well, sure, on the surface we are. I'm a princess, he's a smuggler. I was brought up in the lap of luxury, he was a homeless street urchin. I've heard it all before. Every week there seems to be some 'news-worthy' story about us in those trashy holo-mags. I actually read a story that stated that Han and I aren't really together. We are only just a conspiracy theory, to detract attention from a resurgence of Imperial forces that are planning to invade Coruscant! But despite what everyone thinks, he and I were meant to be - and I'm not just saying this because I'm 'under love's spell'. Underneath what Luke calls 'this crude matter', Han and I are fundamentally the same, and this is why we work.

Listen to me. I sound like a giddy schoolgirl in love. Maybe I am. My life hasn't exactly been what you could call 'normal'. I didn't get to experience many of the things that other girls do. I was bred to rule a planet and my whole life revolved around that one fact. Or I thought I was bred to rule a planet. Who knows what my 'father' had planned for me. For years I was schooled in the ways of the Senate. My whole life was prelude until I was to become a Senator. And I did it. I was the youngest Senator. Ever. Quite an accomplishment don't you think.

Sometimes I wonder at what cost. When Alderaan... I don't think I have ever felt so awful. How can you describe your whole life ending in one split second? I agonise about whether what I was doing was worth it. Can I justify the deaths of all my loved ones in the greater context of the galaxy. I don't think I can answer that. Alderaan created a hole in my heart that will never be mended. For years I tried to fill it with my work in the Rebellion. I couldn't let anyone else suffer in the same way. I tried to shut myself off from everything - the Rebellion became my sole purpose for survival. Thus the reign of the Ice Queen began. But ice is not permanent. When applied to heat - it melts. And boy, have I melted.

It makes me smile when I think of the band of characters that I ended up with. Two funny droids, Lando Calrissian, the gambler and Chewbacca the Wookiee. But the two that have had the most impact on my life - how can I characterise them? Han and Luke. Luke and Han. You couldn't get two people any more different. When I found out that Luke was my brother, I was glad. I've always felt somewhat connected to him and when he said the words, "..and my sister...", everything just seemed to fall into place. Let's just say that when he was 'talking' in my head, it kind of freaked me out - and rightly so. And how we are related... Ok, sue me. I'm allowed to have some issues with that. With all the things that have happened in my life, I think I am entitled to a little bit of repression.

I watch Han from across the room as he turns and winks at me. He knows that I am staring, but I don't care. Ever since that awful day, when I thought I was going to lose him, I don't want to let him out of my sight. It's ironic that not until the last minute do you realise how much things mean to you - Alderaan... Han...

He is such a contradiction. Mercenary smuggler indeed. Han Solo, you have got to be the one of the most generous people I have ever met. Despite pissing me off every five seconds, you were still there for me. You make me laugh. And I haven't found much to laugh at in the last few years. You pay attention to the little details. You carry my bags. You cook for me. You make sure my fridge is full of healthy, easy-to-make food, so I'm not stuck eating carrots or something. You look after me. I'm not saying that I need looking after, but you do it anyway.

I watch, as other women watch him, and I feel all protective. Back off, he's mine. Mine. I sound the word out in my mouth. Hell yes he's mine. I think I have earned the right to be with him. And best of all - he wants to be with me too.

Stuff all this hanging around. Why am I standing here when I could be over there, pressed up against him. Oh dear, what have I become? Oh that's right - I'm a woman in love. I smile, content with this knowledge and walk over to be with him.

* * *

I can feel her watching me. It's nice to have the tables turned for once, because, for Sith's sake, I sure as hell find myself staring at her a lot. I mean, look at her. If anyone was made to be stared at... well I'd be laying all my bets in her corner - she still takes my breath away.

I half laugh at something the guys are saying - but I'm not listening. I'm thinking of her, and how much longer it will be until I can get her alone again. We've hardly had anytime to ourselves, what with this mission and all. During the Rebellion she was always underfoot, snipping about this regulation or that. But now, now when I wouldn't mind if she were underfoot, we never seem to be in the same place. I'm off here doing this. She's over there doing that. Building a government sure doesn't do much for your personal life.

It's times like these when I wonder what would happen if I packed it all in and went back to my old lifestyle. What would life be like then? I shake my head in dismissal. That's just never gonna happen my friend! I belong here now. And when I think about it, the deal I got goin' at the moment is a lot sweeter. Sure I like to romanticise my life, with all the travel and adventures - nothin' between me and forever, but the infinity of space - but it was a lonely existence. There were times when the name Solo wasn't just a name, it was an ideal. I was 'Solo'. I could live my life just the way I wanted. Nothin' or nobody could tell me what to do.

Sure I had Chewie with me, and don't get me wrong - I love the big lug - but now... Now I have not only Chewie, but Luke... and Leia. Who would have thought that a whiny farmboy and an irrepressible princess could make a man feel so... wanted. The day that they came to save me from Jabba, well if that day had a title, I would call it, "The Day Han Solo's life changed forever". I knew that Chewie would try to come after me, but the others? The fact that they actually left the Rebellion to come find me - well, Holy Sith! I know I'm not one with the way of words - I'll leave that up to Leia - but that really showed me what my life had become. I'd been denying it for ages, always threatening to leave and whatnot, but I had already let myself somehow become a part of something.

Man, if the me of ten years ago heard myself talking like this, I'm sure he'd be kicking my ass right now. But you know what? I don't care. I like belonging. It feels good. I've never belonged to anything much before and, damn it, I like it! And look what I belong to. I don't know who got the better part of the bargain, her or me. I think me. Being with Leia is not something that I ever really took that seriously. Sure I was attracted to her. I would have to be dead not to. But a princess and a guy like me? The odds were not that particularly good.

Then again - never tell me the odds!

When you think about it, Leia really couldn't be considered a conventional princess. When Luke told me that we had to go rescue some princess, I thought, "Great! That's the last thing I need. Some helpless female following us around when we need to concentrate on gettin' out of this place." I sure as hell didn't expect the little scrap of energy that started flinging insults at me. Whatever happened to the concept of the damsel in distress?

If I met that princess today, I know who I would be choosing. I would pick my little feisty princess any day. She puts up such a front though. She's not so tough on the inside. That whole deal with Alderaan - I know it has affected her a lot more than she lets on. But, no, God forbid that she actually let anyone see that. No-one really knows how fragile she really is - not even me. I don't care. I'm not going anywhere. I've committed myself to this thing, and no matter how long it takes me to get there, once I've committed, I'm like a rock. If she needs me - I'm there.

I've never felt quite this protective of anyone before. That's what I feel I have to do - protect her. She'd protest all this of course, but, hey! That's what I am. Just call me 'Your Worshipfulness' backup system'.

I guess she's stirred my protective instincts for a while now. While that whole mess was going down on Bespin, I hardly thought of myself at all. It was all about her. I was being taken away, but what about her? I knew how she felt about Vader. She didn't need to see me worrying about everything on top of all of her crap. I could see it in her face. Those eyes... She may not know it, but those eyes tell a thousand stories. They told me how she felt. That's how I knew.

I can feel her watching me and I turn to give her a wink. But she just keeps on staring. This is new. I feel almost embarrassed now. Who would have thought that Han Solo could be embarrassed by Leia Organa staring at him? If anything, I tried to encourage it for years. Man, I loved to get her riled up. Still do in fact. Always reminds me of that little firecracker.

Everything is different now. I feel different now. My whole world has been tipped on its axis... But hey, it's all good. I can see that now. Who knows where I would have ended up if I had continued on the way I was. Dead, most likely, 'cause I wouldn't have any friends help me escape from Jabba. No-one who would care enough about me to actually kill Jabba with their own hands. Remind me never to piss her off.

I'm a simple man. I've never claimed to be otherwise. I know what I want and I do virtually anything to get it. You think a princess and a guy like me? 'Hell yes!', I think as I watch her walk towards me, a contented smile upon her face.

* * *

Once again the Rebellion had triumphed against another Imperial enclave and the celebration party was in full swing. Almost as soon as they had arrived, Han and Leia were pulled away by admirers wishing to talk to them. After a while Leia managed to extracate herself and went to search the room for Han. She saw him standing near the bar talking to some fellow pilots and paused, watching him from a distance with a sentimental expression upon her face. Han, sensing that she was watching him, turned to her and gave her a conspiratorial wink. Leia smiled and walked over to him.

"Well Your Highness, I guess this is it", said Han, his mouth twisted in its familiar lopsided grin.

Leia smiled. "That's right", she replied, as she reached for his hand entwining her fingers with his.


End file.
